Gently Restore

Gently Restore

Five weeks ago, we finished a sermon series on Philippians.

Philippians is a very personal, warm, tenderhearted letter. Yet even in this letter, we find conflict. Two women.
Philippians 4:2–3 ESV “I entreat Euodia and I entreat Syntyche to agree in the Lord. Yes, I ask you also, true companion, help these women, who have labored side by side with me in the gospel…”
We don’t know what the dispute was about. But Paul calls them out in a letter to the church to get along. To agree. These are two godly women. Paul says, “They have worked by my side in the gospel.”
The dispute was so obvious, so prolonged—perhaps hurting the whole church—that Paul names them in a letter.

What if, in this sermon, I called out two of you to start getting along? I put your names on the screen behind me.
“Dear ________ and ________, please get along!”
And I called on you publicly to end your bitterness. Bickering. Backstabbing. Arguing.
That… is what Paul did in this letter that was written for and publicly read aloud to the entire church.

All of us at one time or another could have our names plastered in a letter from the Apostle Paul to all Christians throughout the ages. Every one of us have had—and perhaps do even this morning—conflicts with someone here at Stonebrook. Perhaps your spouse. A neighbor. We have been or are presently…bitter and annoyed. We have avoided eye contact. Or even are doing that today.

We are in Week 3 of a 4-part series through April. The series is based on Four Principles from a book, Peacemaker, by Ken Sande.

In this series, we are learning how to resolve conflict. Conflict is everywhere, and seems unavoidable. But God has answers. And he calls us to work it through in God-honoring ways.

Review Last Two Weeks

There are 3 ways to respond to conflict.
1. Escape. We run away. Leave the room. Give the silent treatment. Simply, we hope it goes away by itself.
2. Attack. We use our mouth, our actions, lawsuits, and even our fists to attack the other person. We are hurt. Angry. And we want payback.
3. Make peace. This doesn’t come too easily. This takes the power of the Holy Spirit.
God describes himself throughout the Bible as the God of peace. Satan wants chaos and war and fighting. God is simply after the beautiful quality of peace. Serenity. Harmony.

How do we do this? The four Principles of Peacemaking:
1. Glorify God
2. Get the log out
3. Gently restore
4. Go and be reconciled

The first two we’ve covered the past two Sundays. Both sermons and sermon manuscripts are available on Stonebrook’s website. The foundation laid there is crucial.

God’s passion for us is much more than simply tolerating one another. He calls on us to passionately love people.
1 Peter 1:22–23 ESV “… love one another earnestly from a pure heart…”
You’ve been born again. You are God’s children. God loves you with passion and fervency. Now, the obvious response is, go and love others with that passion.

What’s Next?

So what do we do?

We’re in the middle of a conflict. What do I do?
• I had an argument with my wife.
• My neighbor and I are in a dispute about his stupid barking dog.
• A co-worker embarrassed me in front of the entire office, and now I’m angry and not speaking to him. At least, nothing nice.
• My sibling and I had some terrible exchanges of hurtful words a few years ago, and we haven’t talked much since.

What do I do?
We work our way through the Principles we’ve learned so far.
First Principle:
1. Set our hearts on Glorifying God.
On honoring him. We’re not simply out to get our own way and to glorify ourselves. I’m not about getting even with my sibling. I’m not lasered in to prove my spouse is wrong and I’m right. I’m not determined to win at all costs with my neighbor. My highest desire is that God is honored.
1 Corinthians 10:31 ESV So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.
This is non-negotiable. I cannot truly and honestly move on in making peace until I settle this. Is God the Lord? Or am I? That’s what we’re fighting for. Lordship. Who is on the throne in my heart? Who is King?

Second principle:
2. We get the Log out of our own eyes.
Last week, we looked at Jesus’ strong call to take personal responsibility for our part in a conflict. To “get the log out of our own eye” first. To discover the sin in our own hearts before we ever try to tell someone else how they are wrong.

Matthew 7:5 ESV “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.
Seriously, we have to start with ourselves.
After last Sunday when I spoke on this, I had a humorous conversation with one couple who was here.
While I was speaking about getting the log out of your own eye first, both this husband and wife are sitting there…during the sermon….and thinking, “I sure hope my spouse gets the log of his/her eye.” Then they both recognized what they were doing. We had a good laugh.

But their reaction to this is the same we can all have. This is SO tempting to see our friend’s speck in their eye, call it a log, and assume our eye is clear. We must…we must…take responsibility first for our own actions and attitudes.

This takes great humility, and we have to kill our pride. But God promises great blessing when we humble ourselves. And a warning if we do not.
Matthew 23:12 ESV “Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.”
We have humbled ourselves. Seen our own sin. Taken responsibility for our contribution to the conflict. We have humbly apologize for what we did and said.

Often we then encounter the Golden Response. The other person, upon seeing your humility and repentance, responds similarly. They confess the part they played. Usually then the conflict is over. Peace is restored.

What is Next?

But what if the other person doesn’t repent? What if they refuse to humble themselves and admit they, too, sinned? What do we do then?
Two options. Both are legitimate.
1. Let it go.
We are at peace with God. And at peace with the person. Our conscience is clear. We are not simply ignoring something or running away. We genuinely are at peace. Our hearts are restored. And the offense is rather minor. This probably happens more often than we realize.

2. Address it. Talk to them.
Like the Apostle Paul did with those two godly women in the Philippian church, Euodia and Syntyche.

When should we address it with them?
When should we address the speck in their eye? (Jesus did give us permission to do so.) When are someone’s sins too serious to overlook?

A couple of possibilities:
• If it dishonors God.
• If it is damaging your relationship with the other person. e.g., if I am finding it difficult to forgive, if it’s altering my thoughts, words, and actions towards him.

When I was a young believer in Christ in my early 20’s, I had a very frequent habit of saying hurtful things….all in the name of humor. I would try to be funny, but I often would say rude things. One sunny summer morning, we were leaving our church service. And while in the parking lot, I made some joke that was making fun of someone else. So I get back to my apartment, and a brother in Christ calls me up. And he very kindly but firmly said, “Brad, when you made that joke, it was speaking unlovingly toward others. I’ve noticed you have a habit of saying hurtful things.”

He was absolutely right. And I actually knew I had this problem, but it took his gentle rebuke to wake me up. The next day I called him up and thanked him for rebuking me.

When I think of my friend, I think of this verse:
Proverbs 27:5–6 ESV “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.”
Just because someone always treats you nice doesn’t mean they are a friend. A true friend is willing to risk the friendship and lovingly tell the truth.
Years later, I often looked back at that one phone call as an important marker in my Christian life. It made me more serious about walking in holiness and love.

So we may need to address someone’s “speck in their eye” for something like that. And there also will be some more serious considerations:
• If the person is setting a harmful example to other Christians.
• If it’s hurting that person. (say, alcohol abuse, or ensnared by a sin.)
• If it’s imperiling others (say, drunk driving).

Why address the sin?
What should be our core motivation?
Because we care for their soul. We love them, and we do not want sin to harm their lives.
James 5:19–20 ESV “My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.”
We will be tempted to avoid the topic. From fear. From pain avoidance. From a weak understanding of sin’s destructiveness.

But we speak up because we love them.
1 Corinthians 16:14 ESV “Let all that you do be done in love.”
What a great summary command for virtually everything we do!
Our goal is not payback. It is not to get rid of a problem. Our highest goal is love.

It is this situation we will talk about this morning. And there are many, varied situations you are all in.
I was talking briefly with one man on Friday. His conflict involves his boss.
You may need to get advice about your specifics.

What I can do this morning is give biblical truths and principles that we must follow if and when we do try to take the speck out of someone’s eye.

Gently Restore
When to address the issue?
When your brother has sinned against you. And there is not peace and harmony in your relationship.
Matthew 18:15 ESV “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.”
Jesus says, “Speak only with those directly involved.” Usually it’s just one other person.

This eliminates gossip. In fact, if you go to someone else and tell him of the other person’s sin, then you have sinned. Now you have a log in your eye again.
If you sincerely need some wise advice on what to do, perhaps you need to talk to someone mature. But ensure it is someone mature who can lovingly work through the problem and offer you godly advice. Don’t use this as an excuse to gossip.

How should we speak?
Speak in gentleness and humility
Here’s the key verse for today:
Galatians 6:1 ESV “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.”
There is much to learn here. Let’s take a couple of minutes to dive into this clear and insightful command.
First, “Brothers.” We are not enemies. We are brothers and sisters. We are family. We help one another with that heart.

Second, “if anyone is caught in a transgression”: This doesn’t necessarily mean they were secretive and you caught them. It means they have been ensnared or caught by sin, and they need deliverance.

Third, “you who are spiritual.” This seems to refer to someone who has the Holy Spirit dwelling in them, as God promises to all who believe in his Son, and then acts accordingly. So if you consider yourself a Spirit-filled man or woman of God, then you need to help your brother.

Fourth, “restore him.” The Greek word that Paul used when he wrote this letter is the same word used in the gospels when the fishermen were “mending” their nets. They were repairing and restoring their nets. Or it’s the word that would be used to re-set a broken bone. This is quite important.
Here is the goal for your friend who is caught in sin: You want to restore them. Not beat them up. Not humiliate them. Nor even ignore their sin and hope it goes away.
You want them healed and restored like a broken bone needs healing. The re-setting of the bone may be painful for a moment, but never more pain than is absolutely necessary to re-set the bone.

Fifth, do all this “in a spirit of gentleness.” The word means gentle, meek, humble. Not harshly. Not with a mean spirit. But humbly and gently. Restore them as gently as you are able, while still getting the point across clearly.

Sixth, all this is to be done by “keeping watch on ourselves.” Why? Because we could tempted to sin in the very same way our friend has just sinned. This is crucial. We must be humble. If not, it is quite possible and even likely we will fall into sin, no matter how emphatic we are that we would never do such a thing.
A few years ago, my wife was in a parking lot, and when she was backing up, she ran into a concrete post. Nothing serious, but it scuffed up the car. I was perturbed. I was not kind in my response. I was sure I was a better driver than that, and I would never be so careless as to back into something like that.
Guess what happened? A few weeks later, she and I are in the car, and I backed up and….you guessed it…I hit a concrete post. I was arrogant.
And that was about driving a car, not a specific sin. But you get the idea. If we don’t guard our hearts with humility, we may stumble in sin ourselves.
And if we’re following the biblical principles in resolving conflict, we have to remember we just took a big log out of our own eye. So humbly, we are now helping the other person with a little speck in his eye.

So in this verse, Paul is calling us who are Spirit-filled people to help our brothers and sisters when they are caught by a sin. We are to humbly and gently help mend their hearts that their hearts would be restored to Christ and not hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.

Speak in love
Ephesians 4:15 ESV “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ…”
Our ultimate goal is love. It is not payback. In fact, if you are wanting payback, do NOT go to that person. Go back to prayer. Go back to God’s Word. Take the log out. Remember what Christ has done for you.
Though many of us will not want to talk to the other person to restore them, it may be unloving to not talk to them.
So whether you talk to someone or not, your heart must be love. What is the very best for them? What will show most love for and honor to God?

Pray for God’s wisdom.
Proverbs 15:23 ESV “To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is!”
How you say things and what you say are crucial.
Proverbs 16:24 ESV “Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.”
Gracious words. Not harsh, condemning words. We can be direct. Yet gracious.

We deal differently depending on their need.
1 Thessalonians 5:14 ESV “And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.”
We need wisdom to adjust the type and intensity of our communication to fit the person’s needs and heart. And according to the severity or urgency of the situation.
But in all cases, be patient, for the Lord has been patient towards you. Patience. We are not anxious about their need. We are not going to quarrel. We are not going to rip them apart in anger. We are patient.

The goal is to bring healing.
Proverbs 12:18 ESV “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
Our tongues are like sharp blades. We can swing them wildly like a sword and hack people into tiny pieces. Or our tongue can be like a scalpel in the hand of a surgeon to bring healing and restoration.

Talk in person whenever possible.
If you cannot in person, then do a video call. If you cannot do that, then phone. Please use email only as a last resort.

Choose the right time and place.
You just took the log out of your eye. You humbled yourself and confessed. And asked for forgiveness. Should you seek restoration at that moment? Perhaps. As long as it doesn’t appear that you are faking your apology just to be able to correct them. But if you both need to cool off and think about it with clear minds, perhaps wait a few hours or a few days.

Listen well.
James 1:19 ESV “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger…”
Someone once said, “God gave us two ears and one mouth. Use them in that proportion.”
Proverbs 18:13 ESV “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”
The wheels in my mind are always turning. And it’s tempting to let my mind race ahead to solutions and answers before truly listening.
Clarify with good questions. You may not know all the facts. “So are you saying that….?” “Tell me more about….”

There may be difficult situations that you need advice on:
• Talking to someone who doesn’t know Christ.
• Going to someone in authority.
• Dealing with abuse.
Get advice. Be much in prayer.

And we also may be wrestling with forgiveness in our own hearts.
Next week, Matt will talk at length about that. What forgiveness is, what it isn’t. How to forgive.

But when all else fails—when spiritual and relational restoration does not happen—the person does not repent and will not take the speck out of his eye— you may need to bring someone else along to help.
We should keep the circle of people involved in a conflict as small as possible for as long as possible.
But eventually, if the other person refuses to repent of their sin, particularly something serious, then we bring someone else with us.

Jesus gives us a process.
Matthew 18:15–17 ESV
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.
17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church.
And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”

Steps:
1. Overlook minor offenses.
2. Talk in private
3. Take one or two others
4. Tell it to the church (church accountability).
Work with the leaders of the church
5. Treat him as an unbeliever
Much more needs to be said here, but Jesus gives us a process to follow.

The limitations
There are limitations to being a peace maker.
First, we don’t seek peace at all costs as the ultimate. We seek peace as we pursue the will of God. The message we have about Jesus will often be divisive. For Jesus said he came to set brother against brother.
Matthew 10:34–36 ESV “Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household.”
Jesus came to bring peace between individuals and God (like in Romans 5:1). And he is the God of peace. Yet Jesus is a dividing line that results in conflict among men. He polarizes the world. By the sheer force of his nature and message, he compels people to stand on the left or the right– in our own souls and in even in our families.

Of course, the messenger can, at times, be unnecessarily abrasive and rude and annoying. We don’t want to be that. But the message we proclaim will, at times, be unpopular. And it will create division.
So seeking peace at all costs is not our goal.

Second, we are called to do our part. No more, no less.
Paul said,
Romans 12:18 ESV “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
As far as it depends on you, live at peace with others. You determine to honor God. You humble yourself, get the log out, you confess and apologize. How the other person responds to that is between them and God. Pray for them. Make good, humble, reasonable efforts.
But your part has limits.

I want to finish with one important point:
Bring hope through the gospel.
When we believe in Jesus Christ, our lives now and in the future are changed. Our standing with God has changed. Our forgiveness is real. There is no condemnation. We have been adopted as his children.

Remembering God’s mercy toward us, we can approach others in a spirit of love rather than condemnation. And instead of using guilt and shame to force others to change themselves, we can breathe grace by holding out to them the wonderful news that God wants to free them from sin and help them grow to be like his Son.

So when we need to “gently restore someone who is caught in a sin,” we approach our brothers and sisters in Christ with great confidence. God has saved them and set his Spirit within them.

And we need to remind them of that, even if we are gently rebuking them for their sin.

The Apostle Paul did this in a rather startling way. He wrote a letter to the church in a city called Corinth. I’ll just say, the letter is not pretty. This church was full of sin. Drunkenness. Immorality. Division and fighting. Unloving.

But I want to read to you an excerpt of how he begins this letter to them.
1 Corinthians 1:2–9 ESV “To the church of God that is in Corinth, to those sanctified in Christ Jesus, called to be saints…
“I give thanks to my God always for you because of the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus, that in every way you were enriched in him in all speech and all knowledge…
“…our Lord Jesus Christ will sustain you to the end…
“God is faithful, by whom you were called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.”
He reminds them they are God’s church. They are sanctified in Christ. That means, they are holy. They are saints. That means, “holy ones.” He thanks God for them for the grace God has given them. In every way they are enriched in Christ. Jesus Christ will sustain them to the end. God is faithful and he calls them into fellowship with the Lord Jesus Christ.

Paul is not trying to butter them up. He is not flattering them. He sincerely rejoices that God has saved them and glorified them.

We need to speak words like this often to each other. Really, all the time. And it’s also good to have such rich truths in our hearts before we gently rebuke a brother or sister in Christ.

In fact, you may want to read this passage to them. And tell them you thank God for them like Paul did for the Corinthians.

May God give us all grace to be peacemakers.
Let us remember Paul’s words to us:
Galatians 6:1 ESV Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.