Luke and I were blessed to attend the Marriage Conference this past weekend. It was a video series on “The Mingling of Souls” by Matt and Lauren Chandler. If you are married and couldn’t attend the conference, I’d highly recommend reading his book. If you are single and someday hope to be married, I still recommend reading this book, as the first part of it is written to singles specifically.
Here are some of the boiled down takeaways that I wrote down from the video sessions:
1) Our culture sees marriage as a contractual, consumption-based union.
a) The mantra is “You adjust to me or I’m gone.”
b) Individual happiness is the goal. If you aren’t happy, then our culture says there is something wrong.
c) The center of this kind of marriage is “self,” and the driving force is feelings and emotions. It is a man-driven relationship.
d) Happiness is fragile, however. It can be taken away from you by a single text message or Facebook post. Joy is hard to take away from you. A marriage measured by happiness won’t last.
2) In contrast, the Bible describes marriage as a covenant-based union.
a) The mantra is “We adjust to God together.”
b) Duty and promise supersede individual happiness. When things go bad and you aren’t happy, nobody threatens to run away.
c) God is the supreme center of this marriage, so the couple can grow together. The driving force is God.
d) It takes hard work and vulnerability, but joy is the result.
3) The biggest marriage killer is shame.
a) When we refuse to own our sin in life and marriage, the resulting shame causes outbursts and bitterness. God already knows your sins. There are no secrets from Him.
b) You can’t feel shame and spout out flowers. If you aren’t owning your sins, then you are toxic to your marriage.
c) Start with John 1:9-18. God’s grace will abound far more than your sins, so repent and free yourself from your shame and uncontrolled outbursts.
4) Ways people react to marital issues:
a) Repeat what they saw their parents do when they were growing up (manipulation, outbursts, tantrums, etc).
b) React how they reacted to their parents’ marital issues growing up (hid, run from house, shut down completely).
c) Blame the other person for their own actions or insanity (justifying your own sins through lying and manipulations, saying the other person “made you” do it).
d) See conflict as a grace of God (revealing what is going on inside you, giving you an opportunity to repent and grow) – This is the proper and healthy way to respond.
5) The tendency in marriage is to be an expert in your spouse’s faults and your own strengths.
a) “They don’t do this, but I do all of this.”
b) Finding your spouse’s faults with this heart is evil.
6) Women, you can’t change your spouse through nagging. Men, you cannot and should not try to change your spouse through manipulation and bullying.
a) So how do our spouses change? When we own our sin, repent of it, and we start to grow. When we receive God’s grace, we can adjust to God together.
b) We need to let go of bitterness and admit our own sins. This is the only way to experience the grace of God.
c) We need to look at ourselves more than our spouse. (This does not apply to abusive relationships, whether physical, emotional, or verbal. Get to safety.)
7) Experiencing grace helps us extend grace.
a) Seek to become an expert on your spouse’s strengths and gifts.
b) Be truly thankful for them.
8) There is a difference between being vulnerable and being transparent.
a) Transparency still has walls up.
b) Vulnerability is fully exposed, even embarrassing. In fact, if it isn’t embarrassing, then it isn’t vulnerable.
9) If you never own your own sin and continue to blame your spouse and others, then you’ll never be able to receive love.
a) When you are vulnerable about your shortcomings, then you can receive grace and love.
b) Conflict reveals the areas of your heart where you are out of sync with the Lord.
10) Our culture is over-sexualized.
a) It sees sex as merely a physical act, divorced from true relationship and affection.
b) This view is disastrous for women and children, who receive the brunt of the abuse associated with this view.
11) Apart from Christ, you might enjoy both sex and marriage, but you will never experience the fullness it was intended to be.
a) Christians roll past the pleasure of sex and see the love of God through it.
b) Sex was created and ordained by God as good. It is not innately dirty or evil.
c) The best sex is had by the person who sees their spouse’s value and strengths and comes together with their spouse in full vulnerability, being fully known.
12) Intimacy takes work.
a) Insecurities take time to work out.
b) Solomon, King of all Israel, did not demand or become impatient with his bride in Song of Solomon.
i) He spent several chapters wooing her.
ii) He patiently addressed all her insecurities.
iii) He didn’t rush her, blame her, nor criticize her.
iv) He complimented her and waited for her to open herself up to him.
c) Sex is a good gift of God in the boundaries of marriage. The work of marriage comes in building friendship and commitment.
13) The surest way to stifle the Holy Spirit is to act like or try to be the Holy Spirit for your spouse. We humans make crummy gods.
14) If you want a healthy marriage filled with joy, you:
a) Have to get the Gospel right.
i) If you have any part of it wrong, you have the whole thing wrong.
ii) If you think what you do affects how God sees you, then you are being poisoned by your own mind. You will either fail and either lose heart, or you’ll succeed and become self-righteous (aka: a jerk, someone lacking in empathy).
iii) If you don’t believe and live like you believe the Gospel, you will not have marital peace.
b) Have to remember.
i) Remember what attracted you to your spouse in the beginning.
ii) Remember what you used to love to do with your spouse.
iii) Remember all that God has forgiven you.
iv) Remember how God sees you and your spouse now.
c) Have to pray together.
i) Lay down your burdens.
ii) Ask for help.
iii) Praise Him for the good you see.
d) Have to be in community.
i) A Gospel preaching, multi-generational church.
ii) Find Your Three.
(1) Find three same-gender friends you can be vulnerable with.
(2) Have no secrets from them. Let them see your schedule, your budget, your taxes, etc.
(3) Make sure they are not “yes” people or childish adults.
(4) Make sure they will call you out when you’ve sinned or are in the wrong.
e) Have to live with the end in mind.
i) Fight hard for your covenant relationship. You can’t be passive.
ii) Ask the Lord for help.
iii) Take one day at a time. Days seem long, but the years go fast.
15) If your marriage is failing:
a) Own your own sin before the Lord, in detail.
b) Repent to Him first, then your spouse. Ask your spouse for forgiveness, without expecting reciprocation.
c) Focus on your relationship with God first, reminding yourself constantly of the Gospel until it changes the way you see your life and your spouse.
d) Pray and trust God to reconcile your marriage.
e) Get help from a counselor if needed.